That’s still filled with love
When someone we love passes, there’s often an unspoken idea that the farewell has to look a certain way: a big venue, a set order of service, a formal tone, rules, must do’s, service printouts, singalongs etc.
But it doesn’t have to be like that. Some of the most moving services I have been part of have happened in a lounge, a backyard, a woolshed or a small basic hall, with people who loved the person gathered close.
If you’re planning one, here’s how to create a service that feels warm, personal and manageable, even in a really hard time.
1. Know that you have options
A memorial service can happen when it suits you, not just in the days straight after the death. Some families hold a service within a week, and others wait a few weeks or months so that people can travel, or so they have time to breathe. A memorial may be held with or without the person’s body or ashes present, and it can be separate from a burial or cremation.
A funeral director can help with the practical and legal side of the death itself, including registration and arrangements for burial or cremation.
Your celebrant can then focus on the service. If you’re unsure where to start, just ask. There’s no wrong question.
2. Choose a place that feels like them
The best venue is one that suits the person you’re remembering. Think about:
Your home or garden, if it was a place full of their presence
A favourite spot, like a lakeside, a clubhouse, a farm, or a community hall
A small venue, such as a café, a pub function room, or a local hall, if you’d rather not host
Consider how many people are coming, parking, seating (especially for older guests), toilets, shelter if the weather turns, heat, water, and whether anyone will struggle with stairs or uneven ground. If you’re using a public space, check with the council or owner about any permissions.
3. Keep the practical side simple
You don’t need to do everything. A few things make a big difference:
Seating and a clear focal point. Somewhere for people to gather and face, so everyone can see and hear.
A sound setup. A small speaker and microphone mean everyone can hear, including at the back. (this is often not needed if you have under 30 people)
A photo or memory table. Photos, favourite objects, a guest book for people to write in and a few mementos of the person to give people something to look at and talk about.
Food and drink. It doesn’t need to be fancy. Tea, coffee, a platter or 2, and maybe a drink to toast with are perfect.
Helpers. Ask a couple of friends to look after parking, tea and cleaning up, so the family can be with their people.
Photographer. A ceremony I recently did had a photographer before, during and after the service. It was a really nice touch, as lots of family were present, and it was a great opportunity to collect photos of everyone together.
4. Build a service that tells their story
This is where I as the celebrant helps most. A good memorial service doesn’t read like a template. It tells the story of a real person: who they were, what they loved, what made them laugh, and what they leave behind.
Things you might want to include:
A life story, told warmly and honestly, including the funny bits
Tributes from family and friends (short is good, and it’s fine if someone would rather have the celebrant read their words)
Music that mattered to them, played or sung live, or on a playlist
A reading or poem that feels right
A moment of silence to reflect
Something symbolic, like lighting candles at the beginning, planting a tree, sharing a toast, releasing petals into water, or adding a stone to a cairn
Open sharing, where anyone can say a few words or a memory, if the family wants that
Not every service needs every element. A short, heartfelt service is far better than a long one that wears everyone out.
5. Make room for all the feelings
Memorials aren’t just sad. There’s grief, but there’s also laughter, gratitude, love and sometimes relief. It’s okay to cry, and it’s absolutely okay to laugh. A service that has room for both is usually the one that feels most true.
If the death was difficult or complicated, a good celebrant (here’s my link) can help you find honest words that don’t gloss over things or make anyone uncomfortable.
6. Think about children and those who find it hard
Children often cope better when they’re included and know what to expect. Tell them what will happen, give them a role if they’d like one (like placing a flower, lighting a candle, or choosing a photo), and have a quiet space available if anyone needs a break. The same goes for adults who find big gatherings overwhelming.
7. Plan for what happens next
If there are ashes, you may want to decide whether they’ll be kept, buried, or scattered. If you’re thinking of scattering, check what’s allowed on the land you have in mind, as rules and permissions vary, and it’s polite to ask the landowner. You don’t have to decide straight away. Many families wait until they know what feels right.
8. Let go of “should”
There’s no correct way to do this. You can wear bright colours if that’s who they were. You can serve their favourite biscuits, play their terrible karaoke song, or end with a trip to the pub. If it feels like them, it’s right.
Frequently asked questions
Do we need a funeral director for a memorial service?
Not necessarily. A funeral director helps with the arrangements around the death itself, but a memorial service can be organised by the family with a celebrant. Many families use both.
Can we hold a memorial service at home?
Yes. Many families hold services at home or in a garden. Just think about space, seating, sound, parking and what you’ll do if the weather changes.
How long should a memorial service be?
Most run between 30 and 60 minutes. Shorter is fine if that suits the family.
How far in advance should I book a celebrant?
As soon as you know you’d like one. Even a rough date helps, and a good celebrant will work with you at short notice.
The bottom line
A memorial service doesn’t have to be big, formal or perfect. It just has to be real. A few people who loved them, a story well told, and a moment to say goodbye the way they deserve. A great chance for closure for you too.
If you’re planning a memorial and could use a hand, I’d be honoured to help. Get in touch and let’s talk about creating a farewell that feels like them.
Spontaneous Second Wedding in Wanaka, perfect!